Three is a magic number. Religions, philosophers and marketers - all understand that three is where it's at. One is an anomaly, two is a mistake, but three - three is a pattern. And we love patterns. We count on them to give us boundaries and perimeters. They help our “brain hole” function better.
When we learn a new skill or start a new routine, it is as if we are trying to sprint through a dense forest. We have to use more brain energy to forcefully navigate the terrain and stay upright. Like a sprint, that brain stuff burns out quickly. Routines, however, create a trail in our brain forests. When we step on the trail the pitfalls are minimal, the mental fatigue lower.
Routines are coping mechanisms as well. They help us feel secure and help us relate to one another. Which is why triangulation is so seductive; like the number three, triangles, with their three points, three angles and three lines, tend to be satisfying.
So, what is triangulation? Triangulation is a form of manipulation where a person uses at least two other people to control the narrative of a situation with the “triangulator” at the center. It is a means of maintaining power and control by creating divisiveness. Triangulation taps into our love of threes, it creates dramatic swings in emotions and it relies upon familiarity and pattern to yield results. Although it is largely viewed as a tool of the narcissist, it is not exclusive to narcissists.
Gossip is the most common form of triangulation. For example; someone in your job gets a promotion that someone else wants. Rather than go to the hiring manager and ask, “why didn’t I get the job?” The triangulator will go to a colleague and say, “Sally only got the job because she is a suck up! I can’t believe they fell for it, I thought they were smarter than that!” As long as the other person continues to talk to the triangulator, the triangulator retains power and control. The triangulator is both the messenger and the creator of the message.
Most likely we have all found ourselves in, or been the perpetrator of, this dynamic. And while this behavior is absolutely toxic, it is important to note that this behavior has created a connection for the triangulator. This choice, feeble and toxic though it may be, allowed the triangulator to feel connected to another person. And that feeling, the feeling of being seen and heard, is satisfying.
So, what should we do with triangulators? First of all, it is important to remember that it is impossible to change anyone. The only control we have is over our own reactions. Therefore, change the message.
Triangulation is generally caused by trauma, a technique that has been learned to stave off pain and suffering. I try to remember this when I am confronted with this behavior. Empathy is not the same thing as excusing a person’s behavior. Pitting people against each other is never OK. But it does help me remember that everyone is doing the best they can.
And I have compassion for that.
I use these three tools; compassion, patience, possibility and implement these three steps:
1. compassion,
2. sympathy and/or option,
3. leave
Let’s Role Play!
Triangulator: “I can’t believe Sally got the job! She is the worst suck up I have ever seen! How can they not see that?!”
Target: “You are upset that Sally got the job.”
Triangulator: “Yes! I feel completely betrayed.”
Target: “I am sorry you are so hurt.”
Triangulator: “Yes, she is the worst! She – “
Target: “I’m so sorry you are so hurt. That is hard. I hope you are able to speak with the hiring manager about this. It sounds like you need closure. Excuse me.”
Then LEAVE.
It is important to extract yourself at this point. By not allowing the triangulator to continue, you are changing the message. You are telling this person that you are interested in them, sympathetic to their pain, but not interested in the conversation.
The key to this technique’s success - you need to actually feel compassion. When I say “I am sorry you are hurt” I mean it. I do not wish anyone to suffer. Likewise, I sincerely do not wish to participate in this destructive behavior which is why I am comfortable leaving. It is not working for me. And a conversation, if it is successful, needs to work for both people.
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